Oct

15

Steve Jobs and Stepford Wives

Filed Under Editorial, apple, free software, open source, windows, women | 2 Comments

So here I am, sitting at the computer, pondering my first article for my new Linux website. I am thinking of you, reader, the kind of person that comes to a website like this. I know you. Right now you are laughing at me for using Word Press. If I manage to get this article linked from a major site, you are laughing at how slow the site is. Look to the right, my link section is pretty sparse at the moment. I didn’t even code the site, I used a template. I don’t know how, really. I am too old school (text editor) and strapped for time to do it right.

I wondered what I should write about, to kick things off. It is a good time to start. There is much controversy in the community. The forking of Compiz by Beryl. GPLv.3 . Mandriva. I can fall back on the old standbys, write an article about KDE so people in the comment section will complain about Trolltech. I could dare to write something negative about Ubuntu or Gentoo. The more I thought about it, the clearer it became. What is the one thing that all Linux nerds, which I am down to my bones, know better than anything else? Women. So my first article for Linux Tech Daily is all about women. Using women as an analogy for Operating Systems.

Apple is like dating a beautiful woman. The catch is she has very strict rules about what you can do with her. You may only kiss her on the cheek or hold her hand. With a little effort maybe you can touch her knee or ankle. Her clothes look great on her, but she wears them every day and isn’t allowed to change them. You get to take her out, but it is going to cost you your entire paycheck. You can join a club with other guys dating similar women, smug in your knowing your choice separates you from the commoners you see everywhere. Sure, it is only one outfit, but man! Have you seen how good it looks on her? Things go well if you do them her way, because her way is the only way you are allowed to do them. Once a year her dad makes a big show about new accessories to her outfit. You and your club members guess and guess about what new mind blowing thing is on its way. Word on the cyber street is she may be getting her new outfit early this year, and it will have pockets like you haven’t seen before!

Linux is like dating a hot chick. The catch is sometimes she might get drunk and punch you in the face. The upside is you will be able to go back and logically figure out what caused the face punching, to make sure it doesn’t happen again. You will be able to count on her. Sometimes her outfits may not match, or she will have bring five purses when she only needs one. It doesn’t matter. She will be there. You don’t even have to worry about other guys hitting on her, she has a reputation for being difficult so they stay away. She is cool enough to let you pick out her clothes, she is willing to wear anything you want her to. She will do anything you ask of her, even if it is a stupid request. You have to be careful, because she is willing to destroy herself for you, if you misspeak. She has her rules, her dad is very strict even though he looks like a hippy, but they are rules that actually benefit your relationship. You just have to make sure you give her the credit she is due. You have seen that if you break the rules, her dad and his friends will come after you. She has people helping her every day, trying to make her better because they care so much about her. Her newest clothes blow your mind. The only problem is some of the riskier new clothes decided to break away from the rest of the new wardrobe. That is part of the fun of dating her. She is willing to be whatever you want her to be. You realize from time to time you don’t appreciate her enough and get too critical of the smallest flaw.

Windows is like dating Mary Hart or Vanna White with Joan Crawford’s personality. Too much makeup, and when you need her she may be completely unavailable. You can’t figure her out. Sometimes she will stop doing something basic, and it unclear why. She won’t let you into her head, but she will let just about anyone have their way with her. You are constantly on guard against STDs, and when you get them, brother, sometimes you wish you were dead. Most of the time she is easy to get along with, and just about everybody likes her. Just don’t let her see you flirting, it is like using a wire hanger.

Finally, BSD’s are like a hot older cousin of Linux, with a reputation of being looser. She’ll hang with anybody, even join the Apple club. You keep hearing reports that she’s dying.

I could go on and on with these analogies:

For the ladies, if you are still reading:

Apple is John Malkovich, Linux is Brad Pitt playing Tyler Durden and Windows is Tom Cruise.

Musically:

Alternative:
Apple is Coldplay, Linux is Destroyer and Windows is The Goo Goo Dolls.

Rap:
Apple is Arrested Development, Linux is Old Dirty Bastard and Windows is P. Diddy.

Classic Rock:
Apple is Eric Clapton, Linux is Pink Floyd with Roger Waters and Windows is Phil Collins.

Country:
Apple is George Jones, Linux is Johnny Cash and Windows is “Young Country”.

Star Trek:
Apple is Star Trek TNG, Linux is Classic Trek and Windows is The Final Frontier.

80’s Movies:
Apple is E. T., Linux is Cannonball run and Windows is Young Guns

Writers:
Apple is Thomas Pynchon, Linux is Jack Kerouac and Windows is Danielle Steele.

Finally, for my Linux crew:
Apple is Aria Giovanni, Linux is Angel Dark and Windows is Paris Hilton.

Feel free to outdo me on these in the comment section. Welcome to my site, I hope you like it.